kau nak tahu (what);

"Look for the Girl with the Broken Smile"

2012-01-24T23:33:00.001+08:00

Rainbows, butterflies & compromise.

Well, well :)

Happy Birthday,Love

2012-01-22T00:15:00.004+08:00

By the way, macam mana nak behave kalau semua orang saited?

Mihihihi.

To a glorious ~~76th~~ 23rd!

I love you:)

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That's Electric-tric-tric-tric!

2012-01-21T01:51:00.000+08:00

There is something about Greatness before it happens.

The air, suddenly, in anticipation, becomes electric.

But lets not spoil it with expectations, shall we?

I shall behave and not jump around, and patiently hold my tongue.

And when it actually does come true whatever the shape it may choose to form;

JUMP LIKE HELL.

**

Ini sejenis Anticipation yang teramat familiar.

It's been too long, boys.

2012

2012-01-01T03:46:00.001+08:00

#1
What lies At the Corner of the Room will continue to haunt, until one day enough courage is gathered to look Under the Bed.

#2
I am learning to hold my tongue which also includes matters Across the Table. Perhaps then there would be more good slumbers, then just sitting By the Bedside figuring out what went wrong.

#3
I choose to listen to a stream of information On the Radio nowadays, as compared to repetitive music that gets in my way. But when the heart is weary, i'd sneak a glance of what lies In the Folder just to feel the warmth that belonged to only them.

#4
It saddens me less now, what i see Outside My Window. Maybe it is true; in order to move Through the Sliding Door all you have to do is seek for the sun. Seek passion.

And just like that, it is 2012.

Through the Sliding Door

2011-12-28T11:39:00.004+08:00

The leaves rustled from time to time.
But that did not startle us

Curious night creatures took turns to take a peek.
Their beady eyes reflecting the warmth of the lone light that sat on the table.

"I have forgotten what happiness feels like"

Now that was slightly startling.
What could i have said in return?

And with that and the silence that followed
She unfolded her heart to the world
To the rustling leaves
The beady eyed night creatures
The lone light on the table
To me.

To her very own self.

For us
To dig deep into our old wounds
And remember.

*

"Oh, don't sigh heavily from fatigue:
seek passion, seek passion, seek passion!"

Rumi

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In the Folder

2011-12-23T10:02:00.000+08:00

I love watching them; those three plus one.

Reminds me of my favorite kind of three, when it was us way back.

Things has changed, majorly. I almost lost them once -though not all at once.

But with redefined spaces, we're moving on to another place. Them and I.

And thankfully, gratefully, what was built all those years, strengthened by not one but many perspective changing events, fortified by one week of being on another land inhibited by an unseen stranger -remains precious.

Change is not always bad. Sometimes, it is necessary.

:)

By the Bedside

2011-12-21T00:22:00.000+08:00

What i want to be when i grow up?

A mind reader.

Under the Bed

2011-12-13T22:05:00.000+08:00

Maybe, by staring at the vast dark emptiness that is under my bed,

the monsters will finally show themselves.

Better.

Then to figure out that

the ringing silence and the blinding darkness is saying is that

this is all on you. you're alone, after all.

maybe.

Across the Table

2011-12-12T19:05:00.001+08:00

I was never raised to identify myself as:

Lina, Malay.

Regardless of race and religion, we were all taught the same basic moral values.

And bound to make the same kind of mistakes.

So don't go playing the Race card on me baby,

and insist that you're the only kind who knows how to clean your shit.

On the Radio

2011-12-07T23:04:00.000+08:00

He was quick for a defense (Or defenses, considering the length of his winding explanations)

She was quick to scoff (in a form of a laugh, sclaugh?) at his defense.

Which fueled him even more, and not in a good way.

Both, caught in some self-ignited fire, ignored the presence of the interviewer,

and the fact that they've gone waaay of topic.

And on air, at that!

Outside My Window

2011-12-06T23:36:00.005+08:00

Macam tak rapat

(tapi sebenarnya kongsi semua jenis cerita-ceriti)

versus

Macam rapat.

At the Corner of the Room

2011-12-02T19:29:00.001+08:00

Skirt around the edges

for ages

and the core will cave in.

INSOMNI freaking ACK!

2011-11-29T03:42:00.000+08:00

These (plus blogger) are my current tabs:

I am a puzzle game thingamajig

"Can't We Talk?" (condensed from: You Just Don't Understand) by Deborah Tannen

The Science of Sleep (a movie, apparently)

Completely Delicious: Apple Crisp

Plus, I have a movie that is not Twilight but is starring Edward Cullen (so help me Lord, i have no idea what his real name is) playing in the background.

YES. THIS IS HOW BAD I CAN'T SLEEP.

The Summary of Losses.

2011-11-27T23:32:00.002+08:00

Perhaps this song is more applicable now then it was 6 years ago.

You see, there was a debate going on,

on whether a time marker or a comparative statement would be relevant.

And then i figured the best remedy would be a hot pillow on my tummy

Pseudoephedrine Sulphate

2011-11-23T23:27:00.001+08:00

"During controlled clinical studies with the recommended dosage, the incidence of adverse effects was comparable to that of placebo, with the exception of insomnia and dry mouth, both of which were commonly reported." Wikipedia

Great.

**

There has been too many kinds of confrontations, and yes. I am not a fan of confrontations.

Discussions, yes, by all means. But confrontations? Energy sucking sessions with conversations mulling over his-fault-my-fault-your fault over and over and over again is what comes to mind.

No no. We are not fictional characters from those series we so religiously watch. We don't get to slap, walk away and come back tomorrow like nothing's changed.

But there is another kind.

The silent kind. The one that came with an unexpected aftermath. A cry your heart our session with an excuse to passerby's that someone has passed on. Well, something did die. Evidently.

And for that, the length and strength of the table was one of the hardest thing to forget. And hopefully, eventually, forgive -thoroughly.

**

It has been too long.

I have been on a boat for awhile now. Enjoying the Light. Just sailing off and away. And found contentment of another level.

Wherever you are.

In whatever state that you're in.

With all that you are blessed with.

I wish you the very best.

Tending Roses by Lisa Wingate

2011-11-17T23:29:00.000+08:00

"Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine.

Along our journey, people and events flow into us, and we are created of everywhere and everyone we have passed. Each event, each person, changes us in some way. Even in times of drought we are still moving and growing, but it is during seasons of rain we expand the most - when water flows from all directions, sweeping at terrifying speed, chasing against rocks, spilling over boundaries. These are painful times, but they enable us to carry burdens we could never have thought possible.

This I learned from my grandmother, when my life was rushing with torrential speed and hers was slowly ebbing into the sea. I think it was God's plan that we came together at this point. To carry each other's burden. To remind ourselves of what we have been and would someday become.

Floods are painful, but they are necessary. They keep us clear and strong. They move our lives unto new paths."

From Chapter One of Tending Roses (Read in 2005)

The Period of Consequences

2011-11-13T22:32:00.001+08:00

"If their inner value system or sense of justice is hurt, SDs can suddenly & surprisingly become forceful & assertive."

4 tahun, kalau nak tahu (yes, what);

2011-11-10T22:05:00.001+08:00

To you, hopes & dreams!

And most especially, every single thing in between.

* simpan dalam kocek baju. Alaa. Kocek baju yang selalu ada dekat dengan Hati tu *

(And yes dear darling, Kocek like Temu and Mendambakan Kasih Sayang. Hah! ;d)

Stripped

2011-11-06T01:23:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I sat staring at this white screen for the longest of time.

Trying to figure out how to describe a kind of beautiful sorrow I just saw.

Husband, wife, four dreary walls and a lone staircase.

Seething silence only amplifying the fact that Love is what they're fighting for.

Love, the culprit.

**

The recipe has never been perfected. By chance, once - but never again.

Since then on it was always too sweet, too lumpy, too runny.

But always edible, whatever the circumstances.

I thought I had it today. Bake with Love they say.

Burnt em all tiny supposed melt-in-the-mouth goodness.

Burnt em real dark and good.

It was the saddest thing, prying them off the parchment paper.

Sadder still, to find one good one, tasting it, and finding out

that i almost had it.

And the measurements? Lost.

**

Efforts usually pass by unnoticed.

It's the burning smell, the smoke, the hissing sound and oh, did i mention the smoke? that gets us on our feet.

For as long as the alarm bells don't ring, the efforts go unseen.

And baby doll, point at the oven all you want, you played a part the moment you turned the dial.

**

Too many judgments.

I'm holding on to too many, and this is why it hurts.

The line between what is the truth, and mere perception is blurring.

And there is noone to blame, except my very own self.

The hardest and silliest fight you'll ever have is with your own self, no?

On Looking Up By Chance At The Constellations says Robert Frost

2011-10-29T02:11:00.002+08:00

On Looking Up By Chance on Yous says Lincy

Of Music

By Blood

Of Roomates with Love and Topsy Turviness and Love all over again

Of Next Door Neighbours, the Hearts, Shoulders, Ears kind

Of The Best(kekasih hati)friend and beyond

Of treasures told; The Gold

Of Magic, old and new

And Looking Up By Chance At You, the Sappho kind :)

The Art of Dancing

2011-10-02T23:45:00.000+08:00

We sat and watched the wind blow them dandelions away.

Alone, just two hearts and the wind in the dandelion filled space.

Watched the eager wind change the shape of the field with every fluffy bud that took off and danced in the air.

Felt their softness tickling our cheeks, some choosing to tangle with the curls of our hair.

Source

We would from time to time watch the wind blow them dandelions away.

And I'd grip his hand a little bit tighter.

And step on forward a little bit braver.

*

Sometimes, the trick is to let the wind run it's course.

And then?

Dance.

The Art of Being Foreign

2011-09-25T09:57:00.001+08:00

If you don't open your door, how can anyone come in?

(Come on in, let me tell you what a state I'm in - much)

But you see, it's never empty.

Sleep came with one simple conversation.

If you are never lost, then how can you be found?

The path is as you've chosen.

Tread well ;)

..please, just take me away."

2011-09-21T00:42:00.000+08:00

I know what my body is doing. Which would explain these sleepless nights.

And I can tell my heart wasn't in it. Which would explain why I drowned.

And.

It's still there. The itch I can't scratch.

And.

I don't like this (at all) about myself.

But sometimes, I don't like you.

Especially when

Tentang Kelembutan & Ketabahan Hati Seorang Wanita

2011-09-14T23:05:00.002+08:00

There is a type of cry that comes from deep within the stomach. The kind that causes loud sobs and big tear drops.

That is a type of cry of the deepest kind of pain.

The Cry, the very one.

I had just woken up from another nightmare.

Trust me, it's been one after another for the whole of those 7 days. Made worse of course, because silly ol me kept it all to myself. Well, except for one other Heart because this was after all, our story.

Woke up to face an empty room and the hard hitting reality.

Then came The Cry.

Aku keluar bilik cari kau. And with every passing minute, aku ketuk pintu kau semakin kuat.

I figured you would have gone for your usual morning jogs.

Patah balik bilik (tak jauh pun, sebelah je), kau masuk ikut pintu depan.

All it took was just one look. Kau kat pintu depan, aku kat pintu bilik - dua dua lutut mula jumpa lantai.

And that was one of the hardest cries I've ever cried.

Kau tahu kan aku sayang kau?

Kau kena percaya kau cukup tabah untuk semua ni (walaupun sekali lagi dan mula balik dari langkah pertama).

Yakin! Sebab kau pernah bantu aku bangun balik.

However long it takes. As long as you take it.

The Art of Tongue Biting

2011-09-07T01:25:00.002+08:00

And i shall
by all means
behave.

The need to be apart of something
(whatever that thing may be to you)
(whether it's one thing, two things, one thing, wanting)
(but doesn't cover Life as a whole)
(just perhaps one thing, two things, one thing or wanting)
is slowly leaving me.

And a good thing too.

Jangan lebih lebih.

Selalunya, ada trigger.

Jangan mengait kain.

Kait pun jangan.

Freedom (and now you, Forgiveness)

2011-08-30T03:24:00.001+08:00

Memories are such tricksters.

And hello Great Wall, between my used to be swirlies, and yours yours yours yours too perhaps?

Mmhmmm.

Switches off the lights

Fluffs pillows

Hello comfort

Deep sigh

And a small smile.

"Forgiveness doesn't change the past, it brightens our future" Digi

***

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin (til we meet with a handshake and a smile)

The Art of Breathing

2011-08-24T22:25:00.000+08:00

Inhale..

**

Saya duduk diam (atau mungkin tak seberapa nak diam) dalam dunia saya bina sendiri. Ya, hasil binaan dari persepsi saya, parallel with whatever knowledge (or yes, lack of it as some may argue).

Duduk dan bermain dengan masalah atas angin. Bila tiup pergi, bila diam datang. Masalah yang pada asasnya, remeh sebenarnya.

Suka hati, main tarik tali dengan fikiran yang macam-macam, walhal kiri dan kanan saya ada jenis-jenis Jiwa yang tiuplah sekuat mana masalah mereka, they would be the ones to be blown away and hoping with all their might that Gravity would be kind.

**

The hardest thing is knowing that there's nothing you can do to help. That nothing you say can chase away the shadows that lurk by their dreams. Shadows with demon-like intentions to change every sunshiny dream into a dark chaotic nightmare.

It's feeling their fight, and knowing that it's nothing in comparison to the real thing.

For strength that i hope to one day have, i adore yous. I do.

**

So it's a card game. And there's a billion cards. Means you can't count, and you don't know which one you'll get.

What if life decides to play you a card worthy of Post-Secrets? The twisty kind.

"Dammit! You Live! You pull through and you bloody Live!"

..Exhale.

13

2011-08-19T00:22:00.000+08:00

"In the end, I've come to believe in something called 'The Physics of The Quest'. A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity.
The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this:
If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting;
which can be anything to your house or bitter, old resentments
and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally
and if you are willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue
and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher
and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself
then the truth shall not be withheld from you"
EPL (the movie, not the football league)

He is an old man with an old sickness that has come to revisit him. "What would you have done differently?" was his question to the world.

I would do it all over again. To reach this point, with whatever knowledge or lack of it, with the same kind of losses to earn the same kind of gain, I would not change a thing.

To Strength and all who defines it, generously sprinkled with Faith and Trust; to Love and all who wills it.

To warmth, to you, to the journey.

Don't You Just Wonder?

2011-08-15T22:58:00.000+08:00

It is as it is because we were taught to give our Hearts, fully.

We sold our souls to the Devil, each and every inch of our souls.

And what is the Devil doing now?

He's watching us from the grand stand, where the Greats once stood proud.

He's watching us kill each other.

Nothing but respect is oddly a sad concept.

Nothing.

But respect.

Because we sold our souls, and killed each other;

We've lost it, haven't we?

Jenga

2011-08-15T02:07:00.000+08:00

There was something about the table
something about the way the chairs were placed
or misplaced
something about the glasses half-filled
or half-emptied
the hushed whispers
and the mirrored conversations.

Did you hear about the smoke?
It smelt nice. Bubble gummy.

But the moon in all its glory
played the biggest role of all.

It hung in the sky, big and bold.
Lighting up the dark dark canvas surrounding it.

Mars and the Moon.

It's raining now.

Perfect.

The trick is to take a deep breath
and count to three.

That's all it takes
to defy the laws of gravity.

Dear Friend, Walls tu bukan brand ice cream (sometimes)

2011-08-08T22:38:00.001+08:00

Ya. Kita lah tu, Nabilah. Yang dinding kemain tu.

Atas, bawah, kiri, kanan, lapis lapis.

But not until we suffocate ourselves, oh no no. Just enough around us; snug.

Duduk dalam dunia sendiri, kiri kanan manusia yang suka jatuh kan hukuman.

Kita apa kisah? Jalan keliling Kulim dua orang.

Kau yang selalu pakai muka garang, aku yang..well, gila.

Kita dua tu, yang suka lepak dekat board surat khabar. Baca cartoon The Star gelak sorang sorang.

Tempat lepak: Baca The Star. Such nerds. Tak cool langsung kot kita.

Aku lah tak cool. Kau cool sikit. Kau rajin baca kisah negara.

Dinding merata. Belakang dinding lagi macam macam.

Kita dua kalah kalau lawan perkataan. Epic fail.

Cuba lawan perasaan. Diri sendiri pun tak terdaya.

To answer your question, you are. And not everybody needs to know:)

Whatever they say about you, the most important thing is that you know.

And those who know, know.

You know what i mean?

Hahah.

Now, now. Rest for your eyes are weary,

Tulisan Tertua,

2011-08-07T16:40:00.000+08:00

Kita manusia mudah lupa.

Lumrah, kata orang tua.

Ahh, walau apa pun karya tulisan dunia,

tiada alasan bagi kita warga nya.

Kadang perlu, untuk renung jauh ke dalam.

Tunduk dan susun semula.

Bersihkan semua segala.

Kalau saya tiada rasa

sekalipun ia jenis suci atau durjana

saya tiada saya.

Kadang perlu.

To humble beginnings, God willing.

So marks the end of Harry Po'ah!

2011-07-21T00:44:00.000+08:00

The fight you fight within your own trusted circle, although necessary to strengthen ties, should never be taken to heart.

True.

But it should not be taken lightly, should not be taken for granted.

People, like everything else in the world, must find it's place.

"And if i no longer fit, if i am no longer needed, then i shall move along."

**

I loved watching those who chose to stand with him.

It isn't the years, no (though somewhat important).

They believed - and it doesn't really matter;

Whether what they believed in was him or the cause he was fighting for.

The fact that remains most important is that they believed.

And never stopped.

"And there were no masks, no more concealments of any kind, none anymore."

**

Those who never stopped, those who never wavered (or wavered and came back stronger -you and i both).

Darlings, these are the people worth fighting for.

But!

We are nothing (but humble beings) who cannot deny change.

Whatever the magnitude.

Sometimes, the most important conversation you should have

2011-07-18T00:05:00.001+08:00

is with yourself.

(Atau seorang kekasih hati jenis hidup mati).

**

You humble me, Lord

the nearness of

2011-07-16T01:21:00.000+08:00

Switch.

2011-07-14T22:42:00.002+08:00

It's the headache. The headache is making it worse. The headache is making everything on the brink and any single thing could push it over a cliff that was not there at first. Or there, just painfully ignored. Ignorance is bliss so they say, and I shall live high and mighty on that. For now.

Leave it, please.

And retracting back to my old shell and keeping everything super silent is a habit i have yet to shake off.

Leave it, please.

It's the headache.

Cry.

Madness,

2011-07-04T23:00:00.000+08:00

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

Tra found and shared this with me about a month or so ago.

"The only reason it hurts, is because it matters."

Darlings, through all hopes that keep each and everyone of us brave, onwards :)

You've Got Me Right Where,

2011-07-03T00:48:00.001+08:00

Everything that has happened externally, has happened independent of the essence itself. Imaginations all running ever so wild. And the thing with bouncing off your own thoughts? They do not get solved. Instead, they branch out and become worse if not controlled.

Everything that has happened internally, is affecting the growth of the essence itself. Progress, if slow, is steady. And amazingly internally satisfying, for parties involved i would dare say. Though i wouldn't dare say too much, because being on my toes would be a much better option than sitting down and watching things fly by.

Bind and break? The rules does not apply. Choosing sides was never an option, not when the bond was first formed through friendship and music, troubles and smiles through sunshine and rain. The rules does not apply.

I am thankful, to the very core for the chance to be here, right at this very moment.

To the past (and its lessons), to indulging in the present, and to the future and every amazing thing it can possibly hold, Mohd Gheffroysanie, shall we? :)

I love you.

Alahai.

2011-06-30T23:00:00.000+08:00

Seee. When you start rolling the ball, there's absolutely no stopping it!

Trampled everything in it's path, it did.

Tapi sebab Aina the amusing one dah bagi satu pukulan gila sakit, I shall, by all means, clarify.

It has nothing to do with the past.

That, I am at peace with:)

And after a lengthy conversation both on the phone and in person(s), I am inner peace-ing (with a picture I am waiting to be uploaded) with the present.

And the future? SAITED :d

p/s: Ladies, how's that for a post tak berkias, hmmm? ;)

Haha. Ada kias jenis Hamboi sikit. Carilah miuhiuhiuhiuuuu

**

Thank your lucky stars. For another day of loving. For another day:)

2 hours past bedtime;

2011-06-24T02:20:00.000+08:00

Earthly whispers that may or may not be there
depending on whether your ears
are present or otherwise.

But a glance of a hand on the heart
and eyes through the soul
across the window
over the sea
through the fire that burns our will.

One whole box overflowing
but everything is missing
though nothing seems to be.

I know what I am missing the most tonight.

I know who I am missing the most, the most.

*

And all there is to do
is to give in to the moment.

A drop to the knees,
a prayer towards the skies.

"Will you please, dear darling please, help set my heart straight again?"

Bits and Pieces of Henry Lawson's After All.

2011-06-23T00:08:00.001+08:00

The light of passion in dreamy eyes, and a page of truth well read,

The glorious thrill in a heart grown cold of the spirit I thought was dead,

A song that goes to a comrade's heart, and a tear of pride let fall --

And my soul is strong! and the world to me is a grand world after all!

Let our enemies go by their old dull tracks,

and theirs be the fault or shame

(The man is bitter against the world who has only himself to blame);

Let the darkest side of the past be dark, and only the good recall;

For I must believe that the world, my dear, is a kind world after all.

Rest, for your eyes are weary, girl -- you have driven the worst away --

The ghost of the man that I might have been is gone from my heart to-day;

We'll live for life and the best it brings till our twilight shadows fall;

My heart grows brave, and the world, my girl, is a good world after all.

Literature by: Henry Lawson

Pictures by: Fara Faizul, Oliver Marcus, Aizuddin B Sa'iman, SookFun Lim

Euphonious 2011

2011-06-19T22:17:00.000+08:00

Now that, ladies and gentlemen, was EPIC.

Thank you :)

Ahh, and to know that after three and a half years since Never Play A Single Lie (significant much, even now), Jepp is still the best person for a postmortem (or two or three).

So, thank you, too :)

Antara Dua Dunia

2011-06-16T01:36:00.000+08:00

Pada asasnya

asal usul niat (bila terdetik minat) adalah sama.

Kalau kadang kadang terpesong akidah

tersilap langkah

lupa diri

orang orang tua kata, itu lumrah.

Yang penting

bila kesedaran datang berbisik

belajar, semat, buat.

Ingat!

Pada asasnya

asal usul niat kita sebenarnya sama.

The Rumbling of Thunder.

2011-06-09T03:23:00.000+08:00

Eh bukan! Tu bunyi perut.

Dengan berbekalkan kata-kata semangat dari sejenis arah

(and i owe apologies to you hard working people dari semua arah)

dan pembetulan niat bila perlu,

pengurangan kebaraian dan peningkatan produktiviti

dari segi jiwa dan raga

adalah misi kecil sampai habis bulan.

Perplexed Music Miss Browning, indeed.

2011-06-03T21:42:00.005+08:00

I rolled my purple pen gently between my fingers.
Thumb to pinky and back to my silly thumb all over again.
And stared, stared too hard at the blank paper before me.
Words are hard to take back.
Be it the ones that cause great wounds to heal ever so slowly;
Or the ones that causes the Heart to swell and the Soul to take flight.

Sitting at the corner playing with blocks that just wouldn't fit.
An accidental sigh escaped her lips.
Giving up would bruise her ego - would go against all she stood for.
But then again, the blocks just wouldn't fit.

Lying down on a bed of damp grass, just after the rain fell.
Bouncing off thoughts against the different shaped clouds that flew by.
Like clouds, like everything, change is inevitable.
But the blue blue sky Darling, still proudly wears its color.
The essence stays true - even when the winds decide it wants to head north today.

Oh Sweets! The storms are never here to stay.
And the winds, whatever their decisions will continue to make trees sway.
We both agree that the waves will change each grain of sand.
And never are they ever the same again.

There will always be ghosts
and wounds.
But the wounded stay wounded because they refuse to heal.
And ghosts?
Mostly imaginations, tricking both Heart and Mind,
only to test our faith.

Now all that's left, is to be reminded each and everyday.
The Heart knows too well what it's missing.
The warmth and that one company that it's yearning.

The purple pen fell to the floor.
I am not ready, and ready at the same time.
And dear you sweet darling for every perplexing thing,
this is me, letting you go.

The only most important conversation, would be with my own self.

I am ready to sleep now :)

Heal

2011-05-31T22:22:00.000+08:00

We all heal in our own way.
The trick is not to question Time.
The trick is in the Will to move on.
The strength to forgive.
And the faith to hold on -
Not to what may no longer be there
But the thought of something better, out there, somewhere.
We carry the scars as a reminder.

**

i found reason, and sanity
(when all i wanted to
do was to throw crap left
right and center)-
and always, always at the
right moment

-in you.

The Square

2011-05-25T23:38:00.001+08:00

"What are you afraid of?

You're armed and ready aren't you?

Go on, shoot."

Or

don't.

The Square i have never done in real life
that i am doing now in this virtual space
because yes ladies and gentlemen
this has gone far beyond "i'm hurt"
and if once again that is flashed in my face
all i can say is that you deserve a tight slap
because yes ladies and gentlemen
i am insanely annoyed.

And the most annoying part is,
i can't tell who i'm more annoyed with.

Okay dah 5 seconds rant done! :D

a.

2011-05-23T00:12:00.002+08:00

"you know i've always said you're wise and you are. but one thing that i've learnt about you over the years is that you're also very much sensitive. people see you as strong, stable. but you feel more than most do. it could be a curse but it's also a gift i feel."

Trust me to read this post daaays after it's written.

But you do know I love you kan?
Through all those ups and downs and finally reaching this point.

a darling, for your strength.
For your faith to hold on, whatever the odds.
For your ability to appreciate and embrace life, as a whole.

To moving on, to new beginnings, new phases and living dreams;

A toast :)

"BJJ 16233"

2011-05-22T21:35:00.002+08:00

Clothes kept in the closet
for dust to settle on them
layer by dirty layer
until they become nothing;
until the guilt of the money
spent on them fades
and everything is forgotten.

Until the guilt fades.
And forced to be forgotten.

**

Two flashes of the same plate,
at two different places,
in two different moving street lights,
with two different sources,
of the same kind of lost.

The boat is gently rocking down the stream.

Though not a bad thing when it comes to this:

"Merrily merrily merrily merrily / Life is but a stream" Quote unquote.

**

And I have learnt that sweeping giant balls of dust under the rug will not make it go away.

Wipe it with a wet cloth.

And get some good sleep.

Rest well.

Dreams

2011-05-22T03:44:00.002+08:00

would be the hardest thing to deal with tonight.

I am on a rocking boat.

With a mighty bad sore throat.

"Dreams Last So Long

2011-05-15T02:23:00.003+08:00

even after you're gone"
You Were Meant For Me, Jewel

She sang

For herself and her siblings, her mother, for Pak Ngah, her Mak Lang and Pak Cek, us cousins and all who has felt ultimate loss.

For the father, the husband, the brother and Pak Long we all miss dearly.

For faith. And the strength to hold on.

"Beautiful Hearts,
presenting our final act for tonight,
Pia Zahari"

10;

2011-05-10T23:16:00.000+08:00

For a wave goodbye that is nothing but temporary, it has been this hard since the very first one.

There was nothing to do but hold the tears in.
And try mighty hard to swallow the lump that just wouldn't shrink.
A glance at that one bracelet hugging my wrist
would cause a fresh new batch of tears to be held in.
I am stubborn of course. They musn't be seen.
And at that moment, there was nothing to do but
gently roll that one bracelet around my wrist, slowly.
Bead by beautiful bead, and to each a different memory recalled again and again.

(In remembrance of Saturday, December 11th 2010)

**

The bunny line had me hopping, these bunny ears had me smiling.

**

Twisted roads and blue blue skies.
The smell of rain has always been a pleasure.
There are days when sinking into wet grass is very much needed.
With each storm that passes, we are everything and stronger.
Finding order out of chaos has never been fulfilling until now.
The many empty glasses are accompaniments of Hearts that is contently filled.

And I am sitting here continuing to roll that one bracelet bead by beautiful bead,
letting a different memory take me away to a time where the sights, sounds and smells
are different
but comfortingly familiar.

τέλος

2011-05-09T00:19:00.001+08:00

You cannot move on
with dark intentions.
Darker thoughts of what
you believe the story is.

And for as long as it is allowed
to tie you down
and hold you back
you'll never move any steps further
than what you would have wanted.

You can only push a person so far before something snaps.

**

It wasn't the sweetness of my favorite kind of something sweet.
It was the warmth of the company, and the strength of the decision.

"Done."

Anamní̱seis

2011-05-02T23:01:00.003+08:00

It was a random day
with a secret promise
to tend to love buds
blooming in the morning of May.

No longer a rover
in the hands of another
we began the miles
with nothing but smiles.

*

"Trade it with what? When it was refused entrance by the wisest."

For some magic beans

Would you give it all up for something you know is true?

Waking up to the warmth of more than white sheets
and the early sun rays painting the sky
with an orange tinge
bringing to light, an unfamiliar place.

And with the sun, came
the slow rise of consciousness
amidst yawns
bringing to light, a myriad of feelings all familiar.

All while laughing, yes,
comfortably so, yes,
to a round of silly cartoons.

Life is the moments that take your breath away;

2011-04-30T00:50:00.001+08:00

April's already coming to an end.

The number is 10.

That, ladies and gentlemen

is how fast time flies.

And yet,

savored moments.

This, has been amazing

thus far :)

"Let's get together and feel alright"

;)

Let's Get Together and Feel Alright;

2011-04-21T00:10:00.000+08:00

I am warm and tingly all over.

1. What fulfills you?

2. Can you take it one degree higher? Immeasurable satisfaction, guaranteed.

Get off your high horse.

It is time to give.

Give back.

I am warm and tingly all over, to the very depth where it matters.

Matters most :)

Put Your Head On My Shoulder

2011-04-14T00:36:00.000+08:00

"Lin, please don't let me go".

Waking up to a broken heart is just...heartbreaking.
Hearing it from a distance, is....
Reading about it...

*

"Something crossed my mind as I was sitting at the office today. It was a memory, a very fond one. It was the three of us at Pak Li Kota Damansara, counting the number of guy's we've kissed. Well, in Lin's case,HAVEN'T kissed. Hehehe..precious moment. Got me smiling. Guiding Light for Muse, that's to you girls. You're my guiding light. 'Sunshine trapped in our hearts it could rise again, but I'm lost crushed cold and confused with no guiding light left inside..You're my guiding light. Love you girls, forever and always."

*

She's been strong for me, through the times it hit me hard.
Now it's my turn, for her.

However it may seem to you, whether or not it matters anymore,
I haven't been very far.

Whether or not it matters anymore, however it may seem to you,
it matters still.

You matter still.

*

"I'm not going anywhere. We've had too many years in this to just throw it away."

Hands Clean

2011-04-12T18:55:00.000+08:00

What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
What with this distance it seems so obvious?

I've been writing too much on forgetfulness.
Forgetting (yes) on what needs to be remembered.
Or worth remembering.

*

Cadd9, Dsus2

Decisions, decisions.

The many empty glasses were witnesses
to a conversation that brought things to a halt.

Thus began the long war.
The Heart & Mind vs Everything Else
Peculiar, but likely.

I will not dawdle on supposed rights,
supposed wrongs and supposed acts.

What is today, important, were the emotions.
Was the strength of his decision.
The conversations and the journey of the conclusion.

*

Weird G chord, Cadd9

It's funny, how certain lines,
certain chords,
certain songs,
certain smells,
bring forth emotions
that clearly belonged to that particular long week.

And the swirly weeks that followed.

*

The magnitude of madness is indeed humbling.

This? Yes. Madness is exactly what it is.

Ever since :)

Italicized lyrics and chorus

courtesy of

Alanis Morissette

By virtue of words, tonight, you, shall leave

2011-04-09T00:34:00.003+08:00

I am staring at the moon and wishing hard
for every inch of just almost everything
to not fall too fast.

Because when it starts,
when it shakes,
when it bloody pours,
there's no stopping this.

I am staring at the moon.
Wishing hard.

Please, let this pass.

Before your say, her say, his say,
I shall write my piece,
and unlike last time,
not carry the blame.

This, for now, shall be my right.

And you know why I teared up at the scene where he saw them fly away?
Because I understood.
I've always understood what staring from the distance meant.
And how deep it's aftermath will always hit.

So now you tell me, where do i get to go?

I, am staring hard at the moon.

Lama kan, tak rasa se-dalam ni. Lama kan?

#3, Who knows how to listen with their eyes;

2011-04-07T23:58:00.002+08:00

One.
Right at this very moment you can say that I am slightly out of character. Because, for one, right at this very moment I am screwing what everyone else thinks and whatever they believe things to be. Right at this very moment, a huge part of me is praying that things turn out better for yous. For three of yous most especially.

May you find it in yourselves to open your hearts to those who deserve its presence.

For all the crap Life has put you through, may you find it in yourselves to heal and hold on and with every might you can muster, stay strong.

Two.
The trick is to take it in, be better. Not bitter. Ultimately, what we actually want is for the other to be happy. Ultimately, unselfishly speaking, it is that. For you to be happy with everything that you have in your life. Hands down, no complaints, no more tears.

There is too much imposed ~~hatred~~ "unlike-ness" flying quietly around. Let it pass, carry on :)

Three.
Random articles has left me feeling humbled (to my core, to my core).

For all the twists and turns and ups and downs leading to this very path, I am eternally grateful.

This? This is bigger than I am. And it manages, all the single time to send a shiver and a tingle and still, after all these times, skipping heartbeats.

Yes indeed :)

Haven't You Heard?

2011-04-03T21:40:00.000+08:00

*Big wide grin*

and a pat on the back.

A toast to the upcoming future!

Lets, please, indulge in the present.

I am learning to forgive you.

In the mean time, hooray to progress!

And a toast too...to a number that is fast approaching *smile grin hugs*

Haven't you heard?

:)

What kind of adults would they be?

2011-03-31T18:58:00.000+08:00

"...It's either i spend money on those facilities, or quit my lessons."

And at this very moment adik chooses to reply-

not with his usual chant of "ayamayamayamayam ayam man",

but instead, said

"Which is more important? Feed your own soul, or feed other people's views on how you should look like. Soul or image?"

What kind of children would we be?

2011-03-30T21:53:00.002+08:00

We were born with a white canvas.

We get to taint it, or paint it.

At this very moment,

with everything that we know or don't know,

what kind of children would we be?

Post-script: Amidst the hustle and bustle, I love the fact that they placed me near a window. I get the view of a little patch of the sky. Takes me places when i close my eyes. Takes me right there, right where comfort -by all means is.

I've come to realize the hardest battle to fight is with my own silly self;

2011-03-24T22:36:00.000+08:00

The nightmares come because the thoughts are here.

The thoughts are present because reason is not here.

Reason is missing because the conversation is unfinished.

The conversation is unfinished because it has turned into a nightmare.

The nightmares come because the thoughts are here.

And I? I want to go try on pretty dresses and twirl around.

Bask under the sun and smile, laugh and love.

Dance when it rains and smile, laugh and love.

Cuddle during thunderstorms and smile, laugh and love.

Lie beneath the stars, the moon and smile, laugh and love.

To never forget the way music has and will always move me.

To never forget the impact of the bonds, the friendships and the love.

To do, to give, to live.

There's only this one shot at living life. *sheepish smile*

Cheerup cheerio! Things work out one way or another ;)

Yeah, Life's big on windows and doors.

I forget sometimes.

Can't Touch This! * tssss *

2011-03-21T23:01:00.000+08:00

Udah udah le tu :)

From Athirah Ahmad's jellybeans;

2011-03-20T12:02:00.000+08:00

(dated March 18th 2011)

on to today's thoughts..

" And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for people who give thought" (Ar-Rum verse 21)

:)

*

Wan's right. Holding on to faith is what humbles us. This? I am not smart enough to use words describing how this feels like.

:)

Reading Lolita in Tehran

2011-03-15T22:17:00.001+08:00

Optimism in the midst of a painful sometimes verging on a ridiculous kind of reality life can offer. I have fallen in love with her strength and perseverance.

Your decisions does not entirely reflect on your essence, on who you are as a person. Those who loves you, loves you still, shall by all means, refrain opinions and love you. Love you still.

"Make your deals, but go only as far as you can without compromising the fundamentals. And don't worry about what we, your colleagues and friends, might say behind your back. We'll talk behind your back no matter what you do. If you returned, we'd say, She's caved in; if you didn't, we'd say, She's scared of taking up the challenge. So I did what he advised, and they did talk behind my back just as they saw fit."
Part Three: James, Chapter 9, Page 182.

Sometimes we forget, I suppose. In the midst of chaos, we forget. Everything that went wrong, everything that fell apart is either everyone's fault. Or that it has run it's course, it is time. It is nobody's fault.

"Later, I told Nassrin that as I watched them mocking the dead student, a poem by Bertolt Brecht kept running through my mind...

...but there is a line towards the end, something like "Alas, we who wanted kindness, could not be kind ourselves.""
Part 3: James, Chapter 22, Page 210.

"At the time I didn't understand why I had become so dependent on these rambles. Some people take up alcohol during periods of stress, and I took up Jeff."
Part Two: Gatsby, Chapter 10, Page 106

*giggles*

And a toast to you, to a line (and lines) that rings so true :) And I love yous, to yous who would understand how true the excerpt above is.

And I, love you :)

Occurrences (much)

2011-03-12T12:08:00.000+08:00

I could go on for days and days on end
trying to find the right words
for colors and sensations, the essence and the scent.

Tell and re-tell for days and days on end
in a whisper with a slight secretive smile
and a twinkle that says it all.

Through the end of long and tiring weeks,
or the exhaustion of the journey,
and the anticipation of arrival,

the warm welcome would be worth it;

days and days on end.

Sneadzies, anyone?

2011-03-10T20:07:00.000+08:00

It is the quietest of evenings. The lovely shade of the most bluest blue has turned into the loveliest combination of orange, red and purple. The sun is setting, and my last view of the sky shall rest at the darkest shade of a purple so rich in all its glory.

There has been too many thoughts, and they are spreading like a disease. It is like the story of the scar and 12 bottles of salt - not a pretty sight. The question then becomes, "Do you give in (to the thoughts)? Or do you fight it?".

Both (I'd say).

Explore the vast ocean and come out alive.

What's life without a few potholes, eh?

And always, always. It's things like these that makes us appreciate those little and most wondrous things in life. Love and appreciate with every inch of your heart, to the deepest of crevices, all and everything that you have.

"Birds flying high, you know what I mean" :)

Honeybee

2011-03-06T22:48:00.000+08:00

There is a reason why those simplest of chords mean the world to me.

It bloody hurts, still. Enough is enough.

Click. Click.

Drag. Drop.

Click. Click.

Click.

"Remove?"

"Unsubscribe?"

Yes.

Please.

"So I'll find another tree"

Arrogance makes us fools.

Chords That Hit (so bloody) Deep;

2011-02-24T23:26:00.001+08:00

The very moment the song ended
two were already rolling on the floor
looks pass between the five
all of them trying hard to withhold tears.

They sang their hearts out.

That performance went beyond pleasing the judges,

went beyond pleasing the audience.

That?

That was for themselves.

And I am tearing up

because I know what it feels like.

Whatever that's causing them to roll on the floor

unable to control the tears flowing down their flushed cheeks.

When it comes from the heart,

when there is nothing but what the heart has to say,

everyone, no matter who, feels it.

♥

Rahasia

2011-02-22T23:37:00.001+08:00

Raindrops decided it was time to kiss Mother Earth.
Peeling away from the clouds that held them together;
Releasing inhibitions, they let themselves fall free.

She sat at the corner, away from the crowd.
Head down, buried in a book,
into a magical world far away from this very one.

Raindrops gently brushed the tip of her nose.
And caused tiny wet dots to form between the lines of the pages
What is there to do but to close the book, and let the rain wash you clean.

"You're having trouble sleeping aren't you?"

*

Do you know what it feels like sleeping after a teaspoon of Bena?
Give it 20 minutes to explore your body, throat to stomach.
Your muscles start to relax completely.
You feel yourself comfortably drowning in a sea of sheets and pillows.
Until the only thing left to do is to shut your eyes.

But nothing compares to the warmth and comfort Bena cannot provide.
Even when, even if the whole body relaxes,
the kind of warmth that is missing:
Heighten senses.
Reaches the heart.

Comfort - beyond belief.

"Yes"

*

"Apapun yang kau dengar dan katakan (tentang Cinta),
Itu semua hanyalah kulit.
Sebab, inti dari Cinta adalah sebuah
rahasia yang tak terungkapkan."

Jalaluddin Rumi

Dikala laptop mengaum;

2011-02-17T23:04:00.000+08:00

There is a slight difference tonight.

Tune it down?

The rush to the head blinds you sometimes.

Keep it up?

The hardest thing is not knowing where the fine line is.

Silly haunting ghosts from the time before time. Silly silly you.

The haunting is causing me no good.

I am afraid.

And because of that

because we're allowed moments

because nature has a mysterious course

and because I am afraid

I don't like you. Silly haunting ghosts, I don't like you.

Not tonight.

I Got Soul, But I'm Not A Soldier!

2011-02-15T23:39:00.001+08:00

15 days well spent.

And today sealed the 15 days as perfect.

Hours (and hours! -and I mean, reaaallly long hours) of soul feeding conversations with a lovely soul usually happens with Jepp. So yeah, it's been awhile. But... *burp!* (excuse me). Two coffee shops and a few shopping shops over a span of 8 hours -my soul is replenished and ready, so bring it on!

It is flattering. The amount of trust entrusted. And I must say, even with all the numbers the years hold, I am honored. Plus, the lovely surprise made the day a wee bit more sunnier.

When the 15 days began, I insisted on 7 Horcruxes. I am no longer counting. I have enough to keep my head on straight. Most importantly, enough to stay true on what matters.

Thank you, to all you Lovelies who has made this worth every while. For being here. For choosing to stay :)

And you, Love, for everything that is about you. About us. For this that still bears no name; just a description only we can provide.

Lets, one and all. Hand in hand shall we? :)

I got souull, but I'm not a soljaah! *ulang dan semat dalam hati*

Apa saya rasa saya belajar hari ni,

2011-02-13T23:42:00.000+08:00

i am scared.
Shitless.
Of many things, of course.
But the unknown?
You can bet i am excited.
Scared, but excited.
The faith and trust
from one end
is absolutely amazing.

Today i learned
that true Capricorns
are scary beings.
Sudden(!) silent mood changes
scares me. A whole lot.
Especially when it's someone
you just met.
Refrain truth from best friend?
Or all out bluntness?
Thank God for the years.
And the trust.

Some people were destined to be jockeys.
Some, surfers.
Take it by the reigns
or ride out the waves.
And it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Especially those who doesn't really listen,
but wants to have a say anyway.
Just, stay true.
Have those special few and stay true.

Whatever shit that has happened,
you don't get to give up hope.
It's such a sad thing
seeing people give up
on gifts that Life offers.
Shit happens.
You, on the other hand,
have to stand up and move on.
However slowly, it doesn't matter.
Just move.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you.
It doesn't.
When it comes to strength, you and i, we're stronger than we seem.

We're stronger than what we let ourselves believe.

*flush*

if i were a painter

2011-02-12T23:48:00.001+08:00

i would paint my reverie...

Hush now, dear Heart.

Hoppípolla

2011-02-08T22:53:00.001+08:00

Saya tahu saya baru setahun jagung.
Atau mungkin dua tahun jagung.
Atau setahun anggur.
Dua tahun kucing.

Ahh, endless see!

Tapi ya, muda.
Terlalu muda untuk faham dinamik sesetengah benda.

Memang buta.
Untuk faham turun naik nada secara mendadak
dengan hentaman pintu dentuman kilat dan...ah!
Bunyi kuat yang jenis tiba tiba boleh buat jantung jatuh seribu macam.

Dari dulu saya kagum dengan
sabar dan tabah sejenis itu.

Dan saya yang setahun jagung atau dua tahun jagung,
setahun anggur atau dua tahun kucing
memang terlalu muda untuk faham dinamik sesetengah benda.

Hari-hari kelabu seperti ini,
saya hanya mampu hulurkan senyuman,
doakan ketabahan dan kesabaran mampu bantu dia terus berdiri
kuatkan hati daripada apa apa jenis perasaan.

Saya cuma harap
saya mampu belajar sabar dan tabah sejenis itu.
Semoga satu hari nanti,
cukup sifat semua segala untuk jadi sabar dan tabah;

seperti dia.

*

On another unrelated note;

ini adalah sejenis rindu tahap.....it's-one-of-those-kind-of-nights kali seratus ribu juta tambah satu.

Upside Down, Right Side Up II

2011-02-08T19:37:00.004+08:00

The colors of the pictures on my wall are fading.

This one, however, is fading beautifully.

From its original colors, to a weird tinge of green and yellow,

and now, this.

From a period of barainess

to a weirder period of barainess

and now, this.

Can you imagine what color's next as it ages?

Another self-reminder;

You bloody hell know that this is worth the aging process.

You are worth growing old with.

And it will be-

Amazing.

And the sun continues to shine (remixed),

2011-02-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

"At the intersection of Fate and Free Will, we took a turn for the best." - The Zephyr and I

"Selimut Hati, since the very first time
will, every single time
hit chords so bloody deep.

Until
time is no longer of significance
strength is not just for show, but for real
and every step, every single moment
however teeny tiny - counts.

There is a compass that has never been here before.

It is here now,
whispering directions." (November, 2010)

This?

Is Certainty at its best.
Hand in hand alongside Faith and Trust.

At its absolute best.

Minta Tidur Tenang. Moga Hati Datang.

2011-02-03T22:40:00.002+08:00

Satay the rabbit used to be scared of sitting at the garage. He almost became rabbit pancake once. Since then, he never did. But he does now. Sits near the gate, ears all up, twitching at every sound -and waits. We think he's waiting for Grey. Now that he has known what it's like to have a companion, he's lonely without.

Lack of sleep makes you go crazy. You cannot imagine what lack of sleep and endless thinking since 2am does to you. Insane doesn't even begin to describe it.

Wounds do not heal easily. Not when you're crazy.

We both wish we have enough courage to talk to him. So that the repetition will just stop. That please, have faith. Our mistakes will not bring us down to an extent we stop living.

We were the oddest three. Twice covered by darkness, literally (though I must admit, it was ironic. Since metaphorically it makes sense as well). We were the oddest three, and found ourselves talking about the most random things. Oddly laughing together. Odd.

The number started out as 5. Before all hell broke loose. And he was the strongest one that stood up against me. A phone call with a slight warning and since then never again, not even for tea. Please, not even an honest smile since then. Until we were both needed to listen to the little sister we both care deeply about. I am part of a picture he acknowledges now, literally. And I am touched. And honored.

Now I know they've missed me too.

I do not have the strength to go hill climbing. But I must. Yes, must. I am reconnecting, thus plans for the comfort of two years ago. Because I have been waay out of touch, and I cannot lose my 5th Horcrux. Because I will go crazy if I lose anymore. Because it is hell tiring to lose and lose again. Because I know what I need and at times I go insane or routine-ish, I know what I need. Thus Horcruxes, and yesterday, I realized my 5th amidst rocks and harnesses.

I will pray for peace of Heart -especially in things I cannot come to terms with yet. I will pray hard for peace of Heart. Among other things. And for the price of rabbits to go down so that we can buy Satay a companion.

I will pray for peace of Heart.

Minta Hati Tenang. Moga Tidur Datang.

2011-02-03T03:48:00.000+08:00

Banyak sangat cerita sakit itu ini.
Mungkin sebab tu hati bermacam, hati semacam.

Tak cukup hulur tangan untuk sakit jenis itu ini.
Hati ada satu, macam mana nak bahagi jadi seribu.

Hati bermacam, hati semacam.
Kepala runsing, tak mahu diam.

Minta tenangkan semua yang ribut.
Dalam jiwa si isteri menanggung duka.
Dalam hati si gadis mencari makna.

Minta terangkan jalan yang gelap.
Dalam jiwa si suami yang hilang arah.
Dalam hati si jejaka yang luka parah.

Dan semua; samada seperti mereka atau seakan-akan.

A little bit of Hope and Faith won't hurt.
The World is already a little bit too dark.

Harsh, BEP sang Karma. I however, like Fringe-ing in the arms of Love.

2011-01-31T22:56:00.004+08:00

I've got some Bena in me again. And rambling seems like an option I cannot refuse.

Allow me, please :)

Months ago, I made a promise to myself. Honestly, it was a pretty hard promise to keep.

Since then, there were two too major, too similar to go unnoticed.

Nevertheless, what involved blood related ties had us all standing up for each other. A hug and a shoulder when necessary. That feeling of dodging bullets, blaming oneself for everything that has fallen apart was something I made sure she would never let herself feel.

I wouldn't question what goes through the Hearts involved. I don't understand, therefore I do not get to judge -however hard. Yes, seperating your own beliefs from someone else's problems or decisions is not easy. Even when it has happened to you. Even though you know what it's like being in the other end. That is, I suppose, the danger of tying yourself too close. The problem becomes your own.

Eek, no excuses though. Kalau salah, tetap salah. Sila mengaku. Thus, I'm sorry for letting a few snide comments pass.

But hey you, I love you. No matter what anyone says, I love you :)

Mmhmmm. Ringing bells. Too familiar.

That's life for you, I guess. You'll find yourself in similiar situations, playing different parts, learning different lessons. And each time it repeats, it gets worse. Until the lesson gets through.

Until. you. get. it.

And with that, I am liberated. For the light that was shed. For the biggest acknowledgement yet. And honestly, the last most important one that matters to me.

With all that I have learnt, all that I have gained, all reconnections, everyone that has made themselves matter and matter even more -thankyou.

I am amazingly fine. And content beyond belief. And bena expectorantly high.

Cukup apa ada. :)

Purple, Maybe Burgundy

2011-01-30T19:50:00.000+08:00

It's meant to be brown, you see.

(Or some other color with a fancy schmancy name)

But alas! It became red, slightly burgundy.

When voices drop to a whisper, they question with their eyes.

Ah, no matter. Faith, I say!

Because every time I wash my hair,

the purple washes away.

*

Me: Yan! Tak nampak ke rambut Kaklong (dah lain)?

Yan: Nampak. Dari jauh nampak. Besar.

Post-Holiday

2011-01-30T13:09:00.001+08:00

The anticipation of arrival,

the sitting-on-the-edge-of-the-seat-I-cannot-wait-to-see-you-yes-You,

the hand-in-hand-hey!-we're-on-our-way.

Even though the same scenery passes the window,

leaving is never the same.

Wishing, somehow wishing that you were on your way there - all over again.

Home Sweet Home, nevertheless :)

Today is a beautiful day to celebrate Love, over food and old comrades style! Lets :)

Celebrate Love everyday (whatever style), nevertheless :)

Con Rubato e Grazioso

2011-01-21T12:17:00.000+08:00

If you're feeling mighty blue

(or even slightly)

Let's sing a silly song

Or hum a not so silly one

Or, you sing

I'll add weird noises

But if we're both coughing

and losing our voices

We could always swim in the silence

One long and slow swim

And feel it tickle our ears

and fill our hearts

And if the bugs

still refuse to leave

We could sit by the roadside

Enjoy the breeze and the stars

Feed the stomach and

the soul with conversations and revelations

But at times like these

Where the yearning is too great

And music is tugging here and there-

(Come on in, don't be shy)

Let's write.

In our own silly language.

Or somebody else's.

Embrace, Two Years, Embrace

2011-01-19T21:02:00.000+08:00

There is a gaping hole where you once were.

In hearts that ~~loved~~ loves you greatly.

The lives you touched deeply.

There are certain things time does not heal.

Fill the gaping hole with memories.

Embrace the pain.

This serves as a reminder of the life that is still worth living.

Re-Connections

2011-01-18T00:36:00.000+08:00

Either

we forget because we're human

or

we forget because it hurts

or

we forget because it's no longer of significance
(by-golly-gee-whiz i pray this is not it)

the bottom line is: we forget.

Too easily, sometimes.

Saturday.

2011-01-13T22:25:00.000+08:00

I have been staring at
colors
for the past half an hour or so,
thinking about all the
Saturdays
that has passed.

And the days that isn't a
Saturday in name,
but a
Saturday in nature.

Now that I have known
warmth
of a greater kind,

the comforter is suddenly an

odd place to be in,

you know?

I suppose it would
continue to be so,
until the time when
everyday
becomes a
Saturday.

(and sometimes, a
Thursday
full of
revelations and
topsy turvy wheels)

mmhmmm:)

Don't Let Me Down - All You Need is Love

2011-01-06T01:17:00.000+08:00

Don't Let Me Down version menusuk kalbu.

Siapa sangka dia sebenarnya sambung dengan

All You Need is Love version menusuk kalbu juga.

Sampai sekarang pun nak unravel (pun!)

Kalau tak sempat download,

esok memang pusing satu dunia

cari DVD.

Mmmhmmmm:)

#6 Perspectives

2011-01-03T11:57:00.000+08:00

source

;)

Plastic Beach, electric! :D

Good day, good weeks, good months all :)

It's One of Those Kind of Nights

2011-01-02T01:46:00.000+08:00

goodnight,

Bring It On '11!

2010-12-31T22:16:00.002+08:00

I entered the door not knowing what was in store.
Not a clue of how i would emerge, once more.

And now, we've reached another.

The lessons have been plenty.
The losses, many.

What I've gained however, has me down on my knees.

Everyday now serves as a reminder,
Made me not necessarily wiser, only humbler.

To the core.

My lessons and resolutions may be reserved for a few,
but this I shall leave with you,

(Source)

For whatever fear, whatever else that stands in our way of living, there is this.

There is faith, and ultimate trust that Life will redeem itself in the end.

Whatever the odds.

Through whatever predicaments that has left you blue (or untimely black),

May you find Light.

As have I.

As have I :)

To new chapters!

#251

2010-12-29T09:59:00.000+08:00

When Christina stops talking to Mer, or Mer stops talking to Christina,

or when they only communicate through their husbands,

they both go crazy.

*

Knowing a person is not enough, we are all subject to change.

Expectations are the root cause of heartache, said someone.

Now what?

*

When they both stop talking to each other,

Christina goes fishing.

There are no bathrooms out there.

Void the void! :D

2010-12-27T17:49:00.002+08:00

"It's so easy to make Kaklong happy. Just get her color pencils and crayons." (Mama, 2010)

and two sketch books, and going to Sg Buloh to get some flowers, and sudden weird plans that involves food and the beach. Or close enough.

I have found (or re-found) my 'Nescafe panas' :)

Void the void! :D

(Excuse the post below)

this is a wee bit funny.

if this is the magnitude of my aftermath,

the house will be filled with weird crap

in no time (:

void

2010-12-27T14:31:00.001+08:00

If this is because of you, child-bearing organ, I beg you to let me pass.

Just these few days without...without using my eyes.

And leave my heart alone.

Just this one time, please.

My Aphrodisiac Is You, Part I

2010-12-26T03:31:00.001+08:00

No words, none.

Just a whole bunch of feelings rolled into one gigantic ball.

I am noone, only humbled :)

LDS&)

2010-12-22T22:48:00.001+08:00

It would be safe to say, and I would rather say things safely these days, except in the presence of two or perhaps three other souls who would hear me ramble on and on about the weirdness of the world. Oh yes, anyway, it would be safe to say that I am now taking baby steps. Finally!

Bitterness is no fun. And it's funny seeing other people being bitter. I must say, I had fun laughing at myself for awhile. Yes, funnily enough, it took seeing bitterness from other ends (of course not necessarily directed at me) to take a step back and laugh at myself.

Safe to say, it took seven days of sudden spaces (yes!), seven days of extremely sudden spaces (yes!) for me to see light.

On days like today, with no hidden agendas, no re-defining comfort, the presence of the (one and only) bright and shiny eyes, the Hearts that did not look away, the heartfelt laughter, and the fragments of Sunset -that is what matters.

"Long Distance Sepp sikitttt!" (Adiruddin, 2010)

Yeah, what he said :)

One Day With,

2010-12-18T23:56:00.004+08:00

I giggled when this was 'Recommended for You'.
Alahai Youtube :)

And giggled and smiled sumore :)
Sumore, yeah &)

A kind of twinkly. A kind of is;

2010-12-17T02:56:00.001+08:00

The worst kind of anything is when your dreams play with you.

Or so i thought.

*

Three different individuals with so-called Unsolvables. And i must agree, they kind of are Unsolvables. We were stumped. Even in each other's shoes we wouldn't know what to do.

By tie, by bond or by blood -we were stumped.

*

The Kitchen Conversation left me feeling...liberated. Free from what haunts? Of course not! Not everything is about finding answers. At least, not immediately.

And of course, if you are in need of that slap -you better be prepared.

*

The worst kind of anything is not when your dreams play with you.

I must say, i have yet to experience Life full force, head on.

Most things are made worse in the head, really.

Even when someone else tries to justify it for you.

There is no need, not now, not ever to hurry on and find answers.

The need lies in the comfort of a listening heart.

*

Oh yous, lets, please, with all the ray the moon can offer, lie down and watch the stars.

It's a kind of twinkly night. It is :)

The Day Yan Thought I Needed Flowers;

2010-12-14T13:26:00.003+08:00

...so she drew them on ♥

*

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tolak jauh-jauh.

Tarik dekat-dekat sejenis penyeri.

Atau beberapa jenis.

And

Come on in

(I've got to tell you what a state i'm in?)

Hahadoiiii :)

Come on in pastel colors, come on in :)

I'm missing you silly.

Missing you silly-ly?

Haha, but as promised,

intact -most of the time.

winkwink :D :D